seriously

An open letter to the employees and patrons of the Columbia Heights, Super Giant grocery store:


Dear John Q . Public,

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday! Truly, your compliments did not go unheeded. I love that you love my baby! I agree, he is extremely handsome. I sincerely appreciate all the nice thoughts. However, I did want to mention just one thing: STOP TOUCHING MY BABY.


Specifically:

Guy who works in the seafood section and was probably covered head to toe in fish guts:

Thank you, kind, sir, for calling out my son as we walked by your department, "HEY! LOOK! WHAT A CUTE BABY!" "Thank you so much", I demurely replied, shooting you a shy smile as we strolled past your delectable display of crab legs and salmon filets. And had our encounter ended there, it would have been a perfect memory. But no. You had to come out from behind your glass counter, dirty apron and all, and maul my son. "Wait, don't, please-" I cried. But you weren't listening. You were too busy squeezing his cheeks with your dirty, oily, FISHY hands. Gross, gross, gross. He probably has barnacles growing on him now. And to you sir, I say: STOP TOUCHING MY BABY.

Swedish nanny type in the maxi dress and platform wedges in the produce dept:

You looked cute. You looked clean. You looked sane. But appearances can be deceiving. "Your baby has the most beautiful eyes!" you told me. "Thanks!" I replied, and tried to push my cart past you. But you were having none of it. You actually grabbed my son's foot, said "Look at his fat little toes!" and then put them in your mouth. You may think I am exaggerating. I am not. Maybe this sort of thing is acceptable in Sweden. But if you had turned around, you would have seen me scrubbing Gray's feet with any number of baby wipes. I know that what I said was "Ok, got to get going now!" But what I meant was "STOP TOUCHING MY BABY".

Female security guard as we were preparing for checkout:

Why, thank you for the compliments! Yes, his eyes ARE the color of the ocean. And I'm happy you think he looks just like me! Most people think he looks more like my husband. And wow, you have five of your own! That's so crazy, I don't know how you do it! But if you too have kids, then you know how easily their immune systems can be compromised by exposure to illness. And as such I would have maybe hesitated before letting a baby suck on your finger!!!! Yes, I realize he grabbed your hand and inititated the transaction. He was DYING to put your hand in his mouth. But he puts everything in his mouth! It doesn't mean you have to let him! With five kids, you should know that! He's a baby, he doesn't know any better! And when I slapped your hand down before he could get it in his mouth and smiled apologetically, I was REALLY thinking : STOP TOUCHING MY BABY!!!

Homeless lady outside the store:

You were mumbling something. I don't know what you were saying. Or if it was even about the baby. I appreciate the fact that you did not try to touch him. If you would only stop hitting me up for spare change it would be the perfect transaction. Thank you for not touching the baby.


Now listen, I am not a total germaphobe. Just this past week I have found the baby sucking on a milkbone, an old flip flop, and the dog leash. I am a big proponent of letting the baby get a little dirty, to build up his immune system. But there is a big difference between a little dirt and a person touching my baby who may or may not have a raging case of leprosy. It's possible. And so, general public, I just have one request:

STOP TOUCHING MY BABY!!



Although, not that I can really blame you. I mean, he is seriously adorable: